行动系列24:孩子被指“Woo Chinese”解决实例(附信件)


李春燕    04/25     17205    
3.5/6 



整理者:AJ,春燕

燕子: 现在有个问题请大家献计献策:一年级孩子被几个二年级学生指着说“Woo Chinese”,孩子很难过。1. 家长跟学校沟通时,该要求些什么?2. 如何跟7岁孩子沟通?

X: 搞清楚这几个孩子祖宗八代哪来的,指回去。

燕子:That's a good idea. 如果是大一些的孩子真可以幽默地说“what are you?”只是孩子一年级,这样confront,怕对自己不利呢。

S: 为什么会为被称为"Chinese"感到难过而不是自豪呢?!只有我们自己自强自信,才是解决问题的根本!

X:主要是对方挑衅的语气。小孩子被欺负不是自豪不自豪的问题,在中国也一样,换了别的话题欺负而已。当然,被这样欺负了,家长得好好引导,不然他把Chinese当成他受欺负的原因,那就糟糕了。

燕子: 小孩子本能会感觉到什么是友善的什么是敌意的,如果硬是视而不见就连孩子也无法瞒过吧。孩子说了“Even MLK said not to judge one by one's skin color.” 这样一个七岁孩子说出这话,我们不应该马上怀疑是自己孩子不自强自信。

W:具体情况:儿子七岁,在一所不大的教会学校读一年级。学生整体都很nice。儿子很喜欢学校,每天都很开心,在班上朋友也很多。他是昨晚告诉我这件事情的。每天早上,他们都会在学校cafeteria排队进教室。儿子说周四早上他排队的时候,坐在旁边桌边的三、四个二年级的小男生用手指着他说,“woo,Chinese”,他没理他们。第二天早上,同样的事情又发生了。我问儿子“他们的声音大不大?”儿子说不大也不小。他没有报告给老师。儿子说,他觉得不舒服,很upset。儿子还说:“马丁路德金都说过大家只是样子长得不一样,对不对妈妈?” 然后很委屈地哭了。

我会给他们的老师写信,也会要求和校长面谈。我想,如果只是偶尔一天发生这种事情,我会觉得可能只是那几个小朋友想说儿子是中国人这一事实而已,可是连续两天发生同样的事情就不是那回事情了。七岁的孩子我想他们的语气还是听得出来的。原本以为这样的事情等孩子四五年级以后也许会碰到,可是没想到这么小就会发生,让我有点措手不及。

孩子中文很好,也很喜欢中国文化,是个很自信的孩子。过新年去他的班上讲中国新年和文化,他为中国有那么多的悠久历史和文化很自豪。

我告诉他,爸爸妈妈会和老师沟通,同时也告诉他如果这样的事情再次发生,立马大声地报告给老师。

我的担忧是,即便那几个二年级男生被老师要求道歉,真的就可以杜绝以后类似事件发生吗?如果你们的孩子碰到类似事情,你们会怎样安抚孩子和引导孩子解决问题呢?我对儿子说,每个人都不应该因为长相不同而被大家评判,大家都是平等的。你看,咱们的邻居都来自不同国家,不同族裔。正因为这样,美国才有那么多样丰富的文化。根据肤色评判别人的人,实际上是浅薄又没自信的人。可是,儿子只有七岁,还是很担心他到底理解了多少。

D: 我会和校方反应。老师解决不力的话,上升到校长。不知道大家觉得这样的问题需要直接上升到找校长吗?肤色种族歧视在美国是很政治不正确的事。我会希望老师和那几个孩子谈过,嘲弄人的孩子应该做出合理道歉。至少让自己孩子得到学校的反馈那样是不对的,学校不支持那样的行为这样一个信号。不过没有和教会学校打过交道,分寸我就不知道合适不合适了。

能不能杜绝你先不需要担心。至少你做了应该做的,学校做了他们应该做的,再说。孩子有时候只是淘气,如果知道学校严肃处理,收敛的可能性比较大。学校也有可能会向犯事孩子家长施压。

Q:教会学校的文化多元程度不高,那些bully们大概没怎么见过亚裔?低幼年龄段的孩子偏见较多(慢慢会好一点)。孩子遇到这种情况,可以四目相对,微笑,回答:so I am Chinese, what's wrong? Actually I am a Chinese American, what are you? Canadian American” 表示你也是移民后代,跟我一样,我们平起平坐,态度不卑不亢,引向平等对话。

WJ: 可以找校长,因为你的孩子可能并不知道那几个孩子的老师是谁。个人觉得写信要抱着解决问题的态度而不是单纯complaint。 问问校长从家长的角度他/她建议如何教导孩子以及学校是否有措施防止此类事情发生。

S:为避免以后这种事情发生,我建议直接写信给校长,同时抄送superintendent . 我这儿有封英文版本类似情况写给校长的信。写好后我也可以请一位美国校长看下,确保措辞得体。

从长远来说或者从根本来说,我们要让孩子从内心觉得自己是华裔是很自豪的,这样遇到这种情况不会太受伤,同时一定要在各种场合展示自己,受到欺负一定要反击!美国确实是一个欺软怕硬的社会。我们不欺人,但是决不能被欺!

Q: 怖力(欺负别人的小混混)往往缺乏同情心,缺乏Pesperctive-taking 能力。也许是自己也受欺负的人,或者在家庭受authoritarian 父母粗暴对待的孩子,以为动武是唯一解决问题的道路,也有在同伴中左右逢缘的popular kids, 但缺乏同情心而刻意欺负他人的人。

基本上各个年龄段都有可能但一般小学生还比较听从成年人别人老师父母的教诲,而初中生,经历青春期生理巨变又遭逢到新学校新环境容易有不安全感,欺负他人是使自己的不安全感释放的机会,并以为这样可以增加自己的影响力。到高中,social cognition 有所增加,怖力行为比junior high 时期相对减少。

燕子:这篇我们群讨论里面有另一心理专家H介绍孩子如何应对。http://lichunyan.weidb.com/p14723&g=1682&tag=736&page=1
记得当时我跟校长面谈时说,我们并不太在乎道歉,而是学校应该raise awareness,结果是在学校的assembly 校长强调这事。If the school says there is already general awareness training, we need to request more frequent and specific reminders because kids are still young. They may not have gotten this from parents, but from social network. 我们需要请学校站在我们角度一起解决问题。不论几个孩子有无恶意,你儿子感觉不好就是不好。最后结果如果是其他孩子意识到什么behaviors are offensive, 就是正结果。

解决问题更新

W:周一早上,我们给儿子的homeroom teacher写了信,让儿子带到了学校。老师看到后,立即把信转给了校长。校长和儿子谈了话,又让那四个小朋友分别向儿子当面和书面道歉。校长当天下午就给我打了电话通告他们如何处置和对待此事,并向家长道歉。校长说学校每天都有这方面的教育,但是毕竟年龄小,有时候意识不到自己的行为会伤害别人,我们对此也表示理解。

老师还表扬了儿子,说他很勇敢,speak out for himself。下午接儿子的时候,老师专门等着和我说了一下这件事。儿子很开心,也很骄傲,同时也理解那几个孩子做的不对,但也不是故意为之。他原谅并且hug了他们。

这就是这件事的前因后果,写出来希望对大家有所帮助。不过,这只是低年级孩子之间发生的事情,充其量只是name calling,和高年级孩子可能发生的恶性bullying 还不一样。不过,我觉得对孩子是个很好的切身教育,让他知道不管发生什么事情,都要勇敢的stand up and speak up for himself。对于其他的小朋友也是教育,让他们知道有些话有些事情是不能说不能做的,因为会hurt someone's feeling。对于家长来说,更要及时和学校老师沟通,但是要尽量做到平和客观一些。我觉得学校对这种事情都还是非常重视的,双方都从对方角度考虑一下问题,问题就可能被解决得更圆满。

H:这样的结果很好,是你及时跟老师和学校反映,以及小朋友勇敢告诉父母的结果。一定要夸奖并鼓励孩子将来有类似情况要勇敢说出来。特别同意你这段话:对于家长来说,更要及时和学校老师沟通,但是要尽量做到平和客观一些。我觉得学校对这种事情都还是非常重视的,双方都从对方角度考虑一下问题,问题就可能被解决得更圆满。

D:处理得非常圆满。孩子需要的就是这样的环境,有矛盾冲突知道正确解决的办法。这里所有孩子都有得益。

P:我想起看过的一篇文章说oprah的,她9岁的时候,在学校被白人小孩欺负。回家对父母说,她爸爸说,你自己想想怎么解决。于是Oprah想了一下,就给对方及家长写了一封信表达她的愤怒和委屈。对方家长道歉,那个孩子之后和Oprah成了好朋友。不知道是不是杜撰的,印象挺深刻。

W:我们事后给校长和老师写了一封正式的感谢信,谢谢他们对这个事情的快速认真处理,对儿子的鼓励,作为家长我们很满意。我的两分钱:在孩子面前,要始终表扬他的做法,你是正确的,爸爸妈妈会和你共同解决问题,老师也会帮助我们。不要在孩子面前表现出担忧或者气急败坏。

AJ:推荐一本书:Words will never hurt me-----Helping kids handle teasing, bullying and putdowns。作者是Sally Ogden, 很实用,里面有一些教孩子如何应对的方法和句子,作者推荐家长和孩子在家里练习这些句子,背诵下来,我觉得对像我这样英文不够好的家长,尤其有帮助。

我们州的几个亚裔组织拉了一笔赞助,委托我们本地的一个州立大学,专门做了一个关于亚裔孩子在学校被bully的研究,其中一个亚裔组织是专门做亚裔心理援助的,包括家庭暴力。他们说可以给我们做一个关于亚裔孩子bully的workshop, raise awareness and educate. 

春燕:这件事不仅仅是圆满解决,重要的是经过多人分享整理出模式,惠及他人。附两封信,感谢环球先锋学院Sally Zhang校长提供信件。
[近期其他经验分享:建立双文化自信与投入社区

Monday, April 20th, 2015
 
Dear Ms. R,
Good morning! We are Z and N, M’s parents. This past Friday night (April 17th), M told us one thing that happened in the school’s cafeteria, which we would like to bring to your attention.

On Thursday morning (April 16th) between 7:50-8:00 am in the school’s cafeteria M was lining up for his class. During this time about 3 or 4 second grade boys at the table next to M pointed to him and said “Woo, Chinese; Woo, Chinese”. M was upset and uncomfortable, but chose to ignore them and did not report to the teacher on site. He told us that their voices were unpleasant.

The same thing happened again the next morning at the same time and the same place. We feel we have to take it seriously as it’s not a random incident.  We think it is a bullying comment and M’s feelings are hurt. When he was telling us the story Friday night, he asked us very seriously with tears in his eyes, “Martin Luther King said that no one can be judged by their appearance, right?”

We’re not sure if any teachers or other students saw this happening. We understand that these second grade boys are still young kids. They may not realize what they did is inappropriate. 

M has been extremely happy with his experience at QP. We do not want to see his life at QP distracted by what happened last week.

Thank you so much for your time. We‘d love to meet with you in person to discuss at a convenient time. Please let us know when that convenient time could be and we will make arrangements to be there.
 
Sincerely,
M’s parents Z and N

第二封信
Dear Mr. /Ms.   (insert principal's  Last Name),
Thank you so much for your phone call today.
Your swift actions and the professionalism of your staff made me believe that
my child is in the right hands.
Xx and XX have been harassing K for sometime on the bus and in the bus room. They took her K's belongings without asking. In the hallway, they called him names such as "dumb", "stupid", sometimes "the little Chinese agent". These comments caused K to withdraw and become distressed. Soon afterward, the other kids on the bus started telling stereotypical jokes about Chinese. Their comments are creating an atmosphere where being a Chinese is a bad thing. Then, on Friday when they told K "No one likes you, because you are Chinese”, that really crossed the line. Comments such as “dumb” or “stupid” are clearly indicative of bullying, but comments that are undoubtedly racial slurs are discriminatory and
have no place in an inclusive educational setting.

On Monday, I sent a letter to Ms  XX, K's homeroom teacher, to notify her of the incident. However, she was absent that day and she eventually saw the letter on Tuesday. On the same day after school, I accompanied K to see Ms XX, the counselor. She was very attentive and understanding. She took down the details of the events occurring to date, and I believed she went to speak with you right after our meeting. 

I was very happy to receive your call today.
However, could you please let me know in writing the following by the close of
business on Friday:
 
(1) What actions you have taken to rectify the situation;
 
(2) What preventive measures you will take to ensure that the bullying comments and behavior by XXX and XXX will not reoccur; and
 
(3) What you will do to address the racial comments directed
toward my son.

In the end, I believe XXX and XXX are two students that need guidance and instruction on what is and is not appropriate. I believe the most important issue is what the students, including my own son, can learn from this experience and use the lessons learned to guide their behavior in the future. Since so many students have witnessed the multiple situations, I suspect that these events have impacted more than just the students directly involved and have had broader reaching consequences. It is especially hurtful when one makes derogatory comments based on race because this is not something a child can control. And, again, I suspect that these are not isolated incidents where comments regarding race have been made. With a large number of Asian students in the school, race must certainly be a salient issue and, as a parent in the school, I desire to raise the level of understanding regarding this issue. 
 
Sincerely,
XXX (K's mom)